I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
