theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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