I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
