i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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