mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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