I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
