you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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