Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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