Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
