She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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