just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
