So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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