im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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