So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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