genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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