if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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