life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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