just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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