i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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