I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
