I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
