you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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