onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
