While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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