Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Farmville is her only friend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
