Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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