Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize