i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Bring me that man meat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
