my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
