bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
