how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
