I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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