some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
