bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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