My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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