Christians are straight up FREAKS
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
