whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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