I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
