Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Text me some of your sweat
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