Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
