a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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