I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cut my penus on the lid.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
