friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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