Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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