Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You pole danced in your parka.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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