I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
