is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
