my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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