I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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