In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
