I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
