i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
