You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
