So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
