I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
