that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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