this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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