He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
