you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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