Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
